things about marriage

I found this article by Ylonda Gault Caviness in the Good Housekeeping magazine last January while my wife was having her nails done at Lil Nail Shop (owned by Tricia) and I was left to play with myself (not that kind of play you pervs). It was written by a woman, so it’s in a woman’s perspective, but I think it goes both ways. The actual article is quite long so here are some snippets (read it online here, totally worth the time).

Let’s face it, marriage is not for the faint of heart. You want to believe your pure love for each other will pull you through. And it does. But it ain’t always pretty. That may sound grim. But here’s a secret: Sometimes it’s the least romantic parts of marriage that have the most to teach you about yourself, your partner, and the nature of love. 

1. You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Is this it? Forever? Marriage isn’t a destination; it’s a journey filled with equal parts excitement and tedium. Once you let go of all the hokey stories of eternal bliss, you find that the reality of marriage is far richer and more rewarding than you ever could have guessed. Hard, yes. Frustrating, yes. But full of its own powerful, quiet enchantments just the same, and that’s better than any fairy tale. (My take of this: Go find yourself a beautiful wife (like I did). That way, you’ll never wonder and just utter to yourself Oh man! So pretty! How lucky am I!)

2. You’ll work harder than you ever imagined. Human beings, you may have noticed, are not simple creatures. Your man has mysterious, unplumbed depths—and from where he sits, you’re pretty complicated, too. As two people grow and evolve, the real work of marriage is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process. (My take of this: Yup! Work! Work! Work! I now render overtime work almost everyday. Not that kind of work you say? Oh! Uhm…then I’m totally spaced out. Next!)

3. You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe even wake up madder). A break in the action will help you figure out whether you’re angry, hurt, or both, and then pinpoint the exact source. Without a time-out, sometimes a perfectly good argument can turn into an endless round of silly back-and-forth, rehashing old and irrelevant transgressions as you get more and more wound up. (My take of this: Very true! I almost always wonder why we fight, being that I am the most easy person to talk to! )

4. You will go without sex–sometimes for a long time–and that’s okay. Sexless periods are a natural part of married life. A dry spell isn’t a sign that you’ve lost your mojo or that you’ll never have sex again. It just means that maybe this week, sleep is more important than sex. And don’t kid yourself; no one is doing it as often as popular culture would have you believe. Instead of worrying about how much you think you “should” be having sex, keep the focus on figuring out your own rhythm. The key is to make sure that even if you’re not doing “it,” you’re still doing something — touching, kissing, hugging. (My take on this: Whoa! Wait a minute? That’s not okay. Why? Why? Why?)

5. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together. When it comes to certain disagreements, there is no right or wrong—there is simply your way of looking at things and your husband’s. Instead of harping on how wrong he is, I can usually swallow the verbal vitriol and simply say something like, “I see your point” or “I hadn’t considered that.” After I sincerely acknowledge his view, it seems to become easier for him to hear mine. (My take on this: My way is the best way! What? You don’t think so? Oh man! Okay, you got me, I’m kidding, it’s really her way is the best way!)

6. A great marriage doesn’t mean no conflict; it simply means a couple keeps trying to get it right. As important as it is to strike a balance, it’s also important to have a big, fat fight every now and then. Because when you fight, you don’t just raise your voices; you raise real–sometimes buried–issues that challenge you to come to a clearer understanding of you, your man, and your relationship. I wouldn’t give up our fights for anything in the world, because I know in the end they won’t break us; they’ll only make us stronger. (My take on this: Uhm…Next!)

7. You’ll realize that you can only change yourself. There is a bit of that makeover fantasy in all of us–something that makes us believe we can change the person we love, make him just a little bit closer to perfect. We may use support and empathy or shouts and ultimatums, but with dogged conviction we take on this huge responsibility, convinced we’re doing the right thing. Whatever our motives, the effort is exhausting. Transforming a full-grown man–stripping him of decades-old habits, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies–is truly an impossible task. And you will come to realize, sooner than later if you’re lucky, that it is far easier to change the way you respond to him. (My take on this: Yeah! I’m a lazy stubborn mule! So deal with it!)

8. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what you’re really made of. many of the deepest frustrations in your relationship are an opportunity for you to confront yourself. That can be difficult to accept–after all, it’s so much more comforting to keep a running tab of your hubby’s deficits and tell yourself that his failings are the only thing standing between you and a better marriage. But if you let it, this bumpy journey toward self-awareness can be one of the more fulfilling rewards of a committed, long-term relationship–you’ll learn to love your quirks and be compassionate toward yourself, just as you’re learning to do with him. (My take on this: Yeah! What she said.)